My first work isn't related to my profession, at all. I used to fail in a subject involving calculations which caused me a year of delay in college. Yet here I am, reviewing financial transactions of a government agency, calculating amounts in receipts, cash disbursements, trial balances, and all an accountancy grad does. I come to ask myself, why am I here? Now I know, it's because of him. I have to meet him. I have to fall in love. I have to get my heart broken once again. I have to learn. I have to move on. But before moving on, I first have to get myself in trouble. We were once happily teasing in an office setting, until it became an official drinking session. I missed my college friends, my crazy alcoholic life. And so I found a way to revive my "inner beauty". We casually go out with our workmates and drives me home last, until one night he suddenly drifted out of my way home, making me think of a million things that might happen, but I didn't even get it right. He assured me of it when he pat my head while driving and that was just so cute. Lol. And behold, what's more cute is that he actually brought me to his friend's Bulalohan and made me eat pugo made sweeter by him taking away the shell for me to readily consume it. I was already so inlove with him that even seeing him open the bottled water was the best thing that ever happened to me. Omfg.
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
He is Sly
True enough. And though I knew from the start that he is, it didn't quite bother me. Until that day came, when our eyes met for the nth time, but what made it different this time was another pair of eyes beneath him--looking straight at me with all curiosity and confusion. Who is she? I asked myself. His girlfriend. Who am I? She asked him. His colleague. Now that will be the part of the mall I'd hate the most for the rest of my life. Straight to the comfort room of course, to comfort myself. That day wasn't as life changing as it may seem though, coz it only lasted for a week--or even less. That's how stupid I am, until now. I don't see barriers in love. I see what I see, I get what I want. Now I'm here again typing another drama while checking my phone once in a while for his call. When he calls, I wouldn't answer and just look at the screen til it ends. That's the way I curse myself, that's how I break my own heart.
Sunday, October 14, 2018
Say you'll Slay, Don't Come and Go
I just don't know where and how to start this post just as in real life right now. So many things have been happening lately. Some were good, some were bad. But the bad ones kinda dominate me. I'm not that sure if this is the right term to describe how I currently feel but -- I'm depressed. I am depressed of all the negativities inside of me. I am depressed because I felt like losing the universe at once. To be specific, I lost two of my friends in a harsh way. I also lost my group of friends (well not exactly but I just feel it since I graduated from college). I really missed how fun we were back in school but maybe that's just something everyone experiences after graduation and I will easily be able to get through this very soon. I think I also lost my membership as a choir. Since I had a fight with one of my choirmates, I don't think I would still belong in that family. I also don't feel good being with them anymore, I don't see the genuineness just like before, people come and people go. I don't want to make siksikan with people who don't like me anyway. I also need space for growth, I mean my own personal growth. It's been almost a decade since I entered the choir and I see just a little step of how I was as a beginner and as the years go by. I knew I won't be that committed forever because I saw how my closest friends stepped out, due to their career paths, and some had bad issues that also made them move away, and I guess my reason for leaving was both. I am in a point of my life where I had to EMBRACE CHANGE mainly from a student to a professional and from a set of old friends to a new one. Another thing is that my aunt flew to the states for a month of vacation and I just feel so sad without her presence here. It's like the house is no longer a home. Wow I think my last sentence was spectacular -- it made my tears fall and it's happening now as I type this lol. Anyway, I don't understand why everytime I think of my family (my dad especially) I would easily cry and this happens mostly after midnight. I always look back on how we used to be together as a family and I get hurt thinking that it would never happen again. My dad has a new family of his own now and I see that he loves his three kings so much that as my mom says, that's not how he used to treat me when I was little. Since I love my three younger brothers, that alone makes me happy and emotional at the same time. Now this blog is no longer all about my lovelife. I got here tonight coz I really feel so down these past few weeks and I know I needed to let this out through writing. I'm into seeking the right path for me, even though how I really wanted to do what others do, I don't think that would be best for me.
I'm making a unique version of myself, and that's already under construction.
I'm making a unique version of myself, and that's already under construction.
Saturday, February 3, 2018
5 Brokes In A Row
BROKE#1
Communication. That was how it all started, and eventually--ended. Everything was totally fine before I left for Manila where I had to stay for a month of internship; we even joked about him having a chance to cheat on me while I'm away. Wow, was that even a joke? So as I was busy completing my duty hours, we had limited time to talk over the phone at night, but that was for me the most awaited part of my long exhausting day inside a manufacturing firm. I had no worries, coz knowing him, he was a workaholic; Oh well not to mention he's Chinese! And so I had to bare in mind that fling searching was something he could put last on the list. As the weeks of my stay in Laguna slowly turns to days, so was our communication. I think we even had talked only once in a week but that was nothing for me on that moment. We knew we were both too busy. Time has come, two hundred hours of duty was over; he has no idea then, so I surprised him with my presence in his workplace! But to my surprise, he wasn't even surprised or should I say he was, but not in a positive way. Okay, that was the time I started to think, and think, and overthink. Since then, he rarely initiates texting and chatting so I paved the way for him. Days after, I went back to his workplace to give him my pasalubongs but I was in a state of wonder on why he acts as if he wasn't enjoying the fact that I'm finally back. We were texting and clearly, he doesn't want me to come so I begged him for once and for the last time I just had to give those things to him, so I did it harshly, and angrily left. He was texting, calling, chatting me for pardon but I had to block him and told myself that if he would go out of his way, cross the border and kill limits just to see me personally and beg, then I wouldn't hesitate his return into my life. Unfortunately, that never happened until now, yes it's been almost a year now. I was able to hear side stories about him dating some mutuals and discovered some of his past girls which I never heard from him. On the last few days of 2017, I greeted him on his birthday and called him on that New Year's Eve where he was already asleep. Just wow I even disturbed him. I was proposing to him if we could at least talk over on what really happened so I could go on to 2018 with answered questions on my mind, but unfortunately, it didn't matter to him at all;
and so I guess that was really it! Moving on . . .
BROKE#2
He has a girlfriend. Yes. I knew it from the start. But it did not matter. We made love. Somehow. They were in a long distance relationship. He was my classmate. I mean we met through a mutual friend and I can still remember my first impression towards him. He was someone I could put a finger on. I don't know. Maybe it was because of how he deals with girls in a flirty manner. Anyway. His boarding house was my vacant go to. We shared moments. We shared feelings. But not in a genuine way. I just had no idea how I got too far. I came to a point where I bought him gifts and a cake for his birthday. But I ended up bringing home the cake. It was too low key. I gathered ideas and opinions on our mutuals. It helped me. A lot. Really. He was in a relationship. He was happy. I should go. I needed to. So I did. Then everything went fine. Feelings faded. If there was any. I can't tell. And I rather not think about it anymore. It's done, its's over, we're good friends. Now he broke up with her. Nothing has changed. I felt nothing.
BROKE#3
Twas just like any other sunny day in Anhawan Beach Resort when we celebrated my classmates birthday. He invited some special friends and luckily I'm one of those. More luckily, he was one of us too. He completed the alphabet, atleast for that special day. We were in parallel tables but we meet at both ends. There was my teacher, nothing but all drunk, trying to knot us two. The fire started and became hotter as we recognized each other to be friends on fb for years now and even burnt the place as we reminisce some enrollment moments when he borrowed my pen for ID registration.Nothing much serious than that on that day at the beach. So we went home, days passed, we started chatting, texting, seeing each other in school. One invitation misplaced us on where we stand. I was aiming for a stronger bond of friendship between us so I tried to invite him out on that blurry night with friends and I didn't expect him to go but he did anyway. I brought him up the roofdeck straight-up bar. We drank and laughed a lot under the stars. We got tired and had no idea what comes next. Since we were with a mutual, I asked him if he could go to our mutuals house because we really needed to rest so he went with us. So there were only two of us in the living room. On one couch. Lights off. Drunk. Something "somehow" happened. 6am. He went home. I remember him looking back at me as he was leaving with a smile on his face. He did not return afterwards. I mean, we saw each other unexpectedly, all smiles, no feelings. For the nth time, I was confused and wanted a definite label so I asked him--Friends, but wants to be closer. Texting and chatting remained, slowly faded, disappeared. Now we treat each other as if history doesn't exist in our dictionary. But we're both fine. Again, no feelings, just false hopes.
BROKE#4
I had this facebook friend for a few years back before I actually met him in person. He was an engineer. We have few mutual friends which are very close to me and so from replying to his chats I came to see him, on my 21st birthday. Well maybe that made it extra special on that day but now as I reminisce, that was actually the worst birthday experience -- having a blind date with somebody who has a girlfriend! Lol I was really so glad that I knew it earlier before I even fall (if ever). We just had some day and night outs and the last thing that happened was that he asked if he could go with me to mass since it was sunday so I agreed and he fetched me with his car from the house to the church. I even dragged him to audition in our choir so we could be together and that was a pretty bad idea coz he told me he can sing but turned out he doesn't. Haha after all, that didn't matter much bu tas to what I can remember most was our "religious talks" that wasn't actually religious at all. He made me believe things that maybe didn't exist or stories that were twisted like his past relationships that made him the victim of a third party and how he was so blessed to be an engineer after all he had gone through. Wow. That was really a serious moment inside his car as we were on the way to bring me back home. I loved his mature and deep sensed thoughts that I was looking forward for more coffee table talks with him. But on that same night, I was too curious about his personality that I stalked more on him, searched for our other mutual friends and there I saw one that paved the way for me to know the truth. Stalking him was a brilliant idea. He doesn't have any pics with a girl. I only knew he was an alumni of the school that I was in, and he was from the same department as our mutual. So I messaged my friend and asked what she knew about him. Well that came so easy and so fast that as I mentioned his name, she seemed too worried about me and asked how far we've already been. Okay that was the perfect time for me to ask why she's behaving in such way and so I did and guess what? Of course you already knew that he has a girlfriend haha but hey, that doesn't end there. I wanted a confirmation from the girl herself so I searched and messaged her about me and his alleged boyfriend, our video calls, chats and texts, and dates. She's a nurse and he's an engineer but I did'nt see the professional side of them. She felt so hurt and I'm so sorry for her but she speaks to me in funny english and I just can't stop myself from thinking what the hell is going on with her lol. Anyway, I guess I just did the right thing about telling her the truth but it ended up with her forgiving him real quick coz he's been begging for forgiveness (which is a natural thing for somebody guilty) and I have this uneasy feeling of hatred towards him coz you see, after all?? It was just like nothing happened and I'm expecting him to do such all over again if she keeps forgiving him that easy. But why in the world would I even care about her if she doesn't. Eventually, they were okay and that was the last day I got to message him coz I blocked him in all connections on that same night. So I just wish them luck!
BROKE#5
I first saw his name on a testpaper and didn't mind until I got to know him personally. He was a teacher from where I graduated college. The time I was able to get close to him was when I was having my hospital pharmacy internship. Twas his first duty day as a pharmacist and I was an intern, that was also our first short convo and that went fun and friendly. As I get to see him frequently from school to the hospital, maybe that thing called attachment came early. It grew stronger as we exchange msgs thru fb and txt and what I enjoyed most was going out together for lunch or to buy food during our duty days. Those eat outs extended even after he resigned and to know I remember helping him with his resignation letter. I only have a few nights in mind where we met with some of my friends, one in a korean resto and the other in kfc, oh and after my friends wedding in a hotel convenience store. These memories were already more than a year ago as I am writing this now but that one precious night was still so fresh in my mind and in my heart, that night where I wasnt able to stop my tears from falling as I stand in front of him telling me that he's choosing another woman over me, and that woman was somebody close to me. I didnt know what to feel, I cant be angry with her, I cant be angry with him either coz we werent committed but the feelings I had was just too genuine to let me swallow my pride crying in front of him. Maybe I also pitied myself after all, as I was trying so hard for months not to fall for him for the reason that he was a teacher and I was a student and we were facing those issues at school. But eventually I realized how I truly feel when it was too late and many things have already happened. He even introduced me to his family and a few outside friends but wth had happened?! I actually didnt anticipate how that night would end coz I was too confident to be the lead person in his heart after his pardon texts when he lied to me that he was out of town in his homeplace and somebody from a nearby mall reported to me seeing him with his family like why the fck would he lie to me so I wont beg him to see fireworks display?! I wouldnt even bother watching it myself if he told me the truth instead of bombarding me with obviously fake reasons. And so that night passed and the crying continues, and whats more fun was that those moving on days were preparation for comprehensive exam days and crying while studying was my newly discovered talent, making me famous in our batch and in the faculty that even our dept head accused me of having passed the exams bcs of a leakage from him which really didnt exist. I cannot imagine how I went through all those and came out passing all three exams, graduated and became a pharmacist. But I knew that wasnt me all along, bcs all things are possible with Him above and for that I am very thankful.
BROKE#2
He has a girlfriend. Yes. I knew it from the start. But it did not matter. We made love. Somehow. They were in a long distance relationship. He was my classmate. I mean we met through a mutual friend and I can still remember my first impression towards him. He was someone I could put a finger on. I don't know. Maybe it was because of how he deals with girls in a flirty manner. Anyway. His boarding house was my vacant go to. We shared moments. We shared feelings. But not in a genuine way. I just had no idea how I got too far. I came to a point where I bought him gifts and a cake for his birthday. But I ended up bringing home the cake. It was too low key. I gathered ideas and opinions on our mutuals. It helped me. A lot. Really. He was in a relationship. He was happy. I should go. I needed to. So I did. Then everything went fine. Feelings faded. If there was any. I can't tell. And I rather not think about it anymore. It's done, its's over, we're good friends. Now he broke up with her. Nothing has changed. I felt nothing.
BROKE#3
Twas just like any other sunny day in Anhawan Beach Resort when we celebrated my classmates birthday. He invited some special friends and luckily I'm one of those. More luckily, he was one of us too. He completed the alphabet, atleast for that special day. We were in parallel tables but we meet at both ends. There was my teacher, nothing but all drunk, trying to knot us two. The fire started and became hotter as we recognized each other to be friends on fb for years now and even burnt the place as we reminisce some enrollment moments when he borrowed my pen for ID registration.Nothing much serious than that on that day at the beach. So we went home, days passed, we started chatting, texting, seeing each other in school. One invitation misplaced us on where we stand. I was aiming for a stronger bond of friendship between us so I tried to invite him out on that blurry night with friends and I didn't expect him to go but he did anyway. I brought him up the roofdeck straight-up bar. We drank and laughed a lot under the stars. We got tired and had no idea what comes next. Since we were with a mutual, I asked him if he could go to our mutuals house because we really needed to rest so he went with us. So there were only two of us in the living room. On one couch. Lights off. Drunk. Something "somehow" happened. 6am. He went home. I remember him looking back at me as he was leaving with a smile on his face. He did not return afterwards. I mean, we saw each other unexpectedly, all smiles, no feelings. For the nth time, I was confused and wanted a definite label so I asked him--Friends, but wants to be closer. Texting and chatting remained, slowly faded, disappeared. Now we treat each other as if history doesn't exist in our dictionary. But we're both fine. Again, no feelings, just false hopes.
BROKE#4
I had this facebook friend for a few years back before I actually met him in person. He was an engineer. We have few mutual friends which are very close to me and so from replying to his chats I came to see him, on my 21st birthday. Well maybe that made it extra special on that day but now as I reminisce, that was actually the worst birthday experience -- having a blind date with somebody who has a girlfriend! Lol I was really so glad that I knew it earlier before I even fall (if ever). We just had some day and night outs and the last thing that happened was that he asked if he could go with me to mass since it was sunday so I agreed and he fetched me with his car from the house to the church. I even dragged him to audition in our choir so we could be together and that was a pretty bad idea coz he told me he can sing but turned out he doesn't. Haha after all, that didn't matter much bu tas to what I can remember most was our "religious talks" that wasn't actually religious at all. He made me believe things that maybe didn't exist or stories that were twisted like his past relationships that made him the victim of a third party and how he was so blessed to be an engineer after all he had gone through. Wow. That was really a serious moment inside his car as we were on the way to bring me back home. I loved his mature and deep sensed thoughts that I was looking forward for more coffee table talks with him. But on that same night, I was too curious about his personality that I stalked more on him, searched for our other mutual friends and there I saw one that paved the way for me to know the truth. Stalking him was a brilliant idea. He doesn't have any pics with a girl. I only knew he was an alumni of the school that I was in, and he was from the same department as our mutual. So I messaged my friend and asked what she knew about him. Well that came so easy and so fast that as I mentioned his name, she seemed too worried about me and asked how far we've already been. Okay that was the perfect time for me to ask why she's behaving in such way and so I did and guess what? Of course you already knew that he has a girlfriend haha but hey, that doesn't end there. I wanted a confirmation from the girl herself so I searched and messaged her about me and his alleged boyfriend, our video calls, chats and texts, and dates. She's a nurse and he's an engineer but I did'nt see the professional side of them. She felt so hurt and I'm so sorry for her but she speaks to me in funny english and I just can't stop myself from thinking what the hell is going on with her lol. Anyway, I guess I just did the right thing about telling her the truth but it ended up with her forgiving him real quick coz he's been begging for forgiveness (which is a natural thing for somebody guilty) and I have this uneasy feeling of hatred towards him coz you see, after all?? It was just like nothing happened and I'm expecting him to do such all over again if she keeps forgiving him that easy. But why in the world would I even care about her if she doesn't. Eventually, they were okay and that was the last day I got to message him coz I blocked him in all connections on that same night. So I just wish them luck!
BROKE#5
I first saw his name on a testpaper and didn't mind until I got to know him personally. He was a teacher from where I graduated college. The time I was able to get close to him was when I was having my hospital pharmacy internship. Twas his first duty day as a pharmacist and I was an intern, that was also our first short convo and that went fun and friendly. As I get to see him frequently from school to the hospital, maybe that thing called attachment came early. It grew stronger as we exchange msgs thru fb and txt and what I enjoyed most was going out together for lunch or to buy food during our duty days. Those eat outs extended even after he resigned and to know I remember helping him with his resignation letter. I only have a few nights in mind where we met with some of my friends, one in a korean resto and the other in kfc, oh and after my friends wedding in a hotel convenience store. These memories were already more than a year ago as I am writing this now but that one precious night was still so fresh in my mind and in my heart, that night where I wasnt able to stop my tears from falling as I stand in front of him telling me that he's choosing another woman over me, and that woman was somebody close to me. I didnt know what to feel, I cant be angry with her, I cant be angry with him either coz we werent committed but the feelings I had was just too genuine to let me swallow my pride crying in front of him. Maybe I also pitied myself after all, as I was trying so hard for months not to fall for him for the reason that he was a teacher and I was a student and we were facing those issues at school. But eventually I realized how I truly feel when it was too late and many things have already happened. He even introduced me to his family and a few outside friends but wth had happened?! I actually didnt anticipate how that night would end coz I was too confident to be the lead person in his heart after his pardon texts when he lied to me that he was out of town in his homeplace and somebody from a nearby mall reported to me seeing him with his family like why the fck would he lie to me so I wont beg him to see fireworks display?! I wouldnt even bother watching it myself if he told me the truth instead of bombarding me with obviously fake reasons. And so that night passed and the crying continues, and whats more fun was that those moving on days were preparation for comprehensive exam days and crying while studying was my newly discovered talent, making me famous in our batch and in the faculty that even our dept head accused me of having passed the exams bcs of a leakage from him which really didnt exist. I cannot imagine how I went through all those and came out passing all three exams, graduated and became a pharmacist. But I knew that wasnt me all along, bcs all things are possible with Him above and for that I am very thankful.
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